I found this hidden Proverbs chapter in the New Theological Suzy's Book of Disputed Additions. I found it to be spot on.
A husband of noble character who can find?
He is worth far more than a big flat screen tv.
His wife has full confidence in him
and lacks nothing of value 'cept some cooler, less mommish clothing.
He brings her peanut M&M's, not fancy Godiva chocolates
all the days of his life.
He selects Polos and Dockers
and works with snot and spit up on his shoulders.
He is like a Chrysler Town & Country minivan
bringing his food from Publix.
He hits the snooze button countless times while it is still night;
he frets over breakfast until deciding on a spoonful of peanut butter
and portions cereal bars for his four hungry hoodlums who pull at his pant leg.
He considers a deal at Home Depot and buys it;
out of his earnings he plants a bush or two around the house.
He sets about his work vigorously;
his arms are strong from holding twins all night.
He sees that his investments have all lost money
and his lamp gets turned off the second his head hits the pillow.
In his hand he holds the remote
and grasps the coffee cup with his fingers.
He opens his arms to the mini-me's running all around his feet
and extends his hands to Mr.Biggles only to get his eyes clawed out.
When it snows, which it hasn't, he has no fear for his household
for all of them are mostly unclothed anyway save the occasional diaper.
He has never once made the bed;
He is clothed in Jos.A.Bank garments for work that his mama buys.
His wife is respected at the local Target
where she takes her seat in the Starbucks fretting over the latest Mossimo jeans.
He makes a mean burger on the Weber grill
and supplies a side dish of fried taters to go along.
He is clothed with a hoodie and track pants;
he can laugh when the noise level of the house reaches uncanny decibels.
He speaks with patience,
and calms the wifey down off the roof after a long day with screamers.
He watches random detective shows
yet refuses to eat the bread of MTV idleness with his wife.
His children arise and yell out "Daaaaadddddyyyyyy" from their cribs;
his wife also, nudges him to get the babies so she can sleep.
"Many men do noble things, like cleaning and grocery shopping and cooking,
but you surpass them all with your Jeep wranglin' self."
P90x and the South Beach Diet are deceptive, and hotness is fleeting (though not yet!);
but a man who fears the LORD is to be praised.
Honor him for all the times he's been injured wrestling 20 and 40 pound toddlers
and let his works bring him less furlough days in the future.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO THE MOST HANDSOME, NOBLE, FULL-O-CHARACTER, GOD-FEARING MAN I KNOW!!!